editor’s note: This post was originally published in July of 2014 but has been updated to include recent events.
The first few weeks of grief after losing a child are a mixture of rage, sadness, helplessness and fear: An unstable concoction that can react and explode at any given moment. As someone who can now count himself among the unfortunate fraternity of those who lost a child I am sometimes asked by people to reach out to others who have recently suffered the same loss. The almost universal inquiry that follows is if I can say something , anything, that will help them or guide them along their path. Sadly, it is in those early days that words will have little or no effect. I cannot describe the hysteria that is felt in the immediate aftermath other than to say it is a wheel of emotions in perpetual flux. You are in an unnerving state of constant emotional change and nothing can stop that wheel from making its revolutions. One thing I do tell these grieving parents is that it is important to feel every single one of those emotions in order to begin the process of healing. Just as in chemistry, the reactants must come together to form a new product. As the reaction proceed energy is released – sometimes furiously. The products can only form in the wake of tumult and chaos. There is no other way to produce the end product. Similarly, the grieving parent must experience and acknowledge every ounce of rage, sadness, helplessness and fear, as those feelings catalyze the synthesis of the “new normal” they will eventually find themselves in.
Often times when I speak to grieving parents (myself included) they recognize the fact that their friends and family want to help them – either through actions or words, but that very little resonates; at least at first. Most people’s instinct in the wake of child-loss is to say things that they think will help the grieving parents. Paradoxically, at least to those who never suffered the loss and don’t truly understand it, those first few weeks are the worst time to hear advice on grief. The reaction that child-loss generates is so volatile that our first thought is to “help” our hurting loved ones and try to say anything (and often everything) that we think will “make it all better”. In a way, our loved ones try in vain to keep the reactants of sadness, anger, rage and hopelessness away from the grieving as a means to avoid the combustion that follows. Although the intentions of our loved ones is pure, they really can’t fathom what the grieving parent is going through. For our loved ones recognizing the magnitude of the loss you experienced, coupled with their intrinsic fear of it happening to them, results in the subconscious thought that they don’t want to even imagine what you are going through. This is not an indictment of those we love, rather it is simply a function of the brain’s coping mechanism for something often described as unimaginable.
Outliving our children is not unimaginable, every parent has imagined that scenario and then tucked the thought away as quickly as it appeared. No, losing a child is simply nature’s greatest cruelty and it represents a primal fear we simply do not ever want to face ourselves. When a loved one loses a child there is no hiding, no tucking away of the thought. We are forced to witness a reaction that is explosive and violent: Of course we want to put out the flames, it’s only natural. This natural need to try and fix that which is broken in those we care about leads to statements like: “Look for the signs and you will see he is with you…”. Those very words were uttered by countless people in the wake of Rees’ death. To be honest, at the time and from my perspective, they offered very little comfort and often times just deepened the wound his absence caused. I remember resenting hearing those words from people. I knew they meant well. I know they said it because they cared. Continue reading →
Please consider joining the ReesSpecht Life Foundation and our Sponsor and partner in Drowning Prevention, Saf-T-Swim at our first annual “ReesSpecht the Water Gala” This Friday, October 26th at 6:30 pm at the Sea Star Ballroom adjacent to the LI Aquarium. Enjoy a night of dancing, great food and wine and beer as you bid on our over 70 gift baskets! (Download basket description .pdf HERE!)
To order your tickets click the picture above or click: HERE
Thank you to our Event Sponsor: Saf-T-Swim!
A very special thank you to our gracious donors and partners in prevention:
Join our ReesSpecht the Water Gala on October 26, 2018 at the Sea Star Ballroom next to the Long Island Aquarium to benefit ReesSpecht Life’s Water Safety program: “ReesSpecht the Water”
Summer isn’t over yet! Cocktail hour, beer and wine, dinner & dancing with our DJ & live steel drum music in your Resort Casual attire! Photo ops, live & silent auction, chinese raffles and more!
This event helps fund End Drowning Now and ReesSpecht Life’s “ReesSpecht the Water” School Shows. With your help we can help educate children and their parents about the importance of water safety and help them learn to ReesSpecht the Water…
If you would like to be one of our event sponsors, click HERE to see our sponsorship opportunities.
If you would like to donate a basket or raffle item, please click HERE.
Purchase your tickets above by clicking the type of ticket you want (Single $75/ticket, Couple $135/ticket, or Table $650/table) and hitting the “Add to Cart” button. Then click on your cart to check out. It’s that easy!
The ReesSpecht Life Foundation is looking for sponsors for our “ReesSpecht the Water Gala” at the Sea Star Ballroom adjacent to the Long Island Aquarium on October 26th, 2018. Listed below are the levels of sponsorship and what you(or your business) will receive for generosity. The money we raise from this fundraiser will go directly to our Water Safety initiative: ReesSpecht the Water. Our hope is to fund school assembly programs all over Long Island to teach children the importance of water safety and help significantly reduce the number of drownings on Long Island. With your help, we will be able to End Drowning Now!
Click HERE to purchase a sponsorship or call us at 631-353-9924
LIFEGUARD LEVEL: (EVENT SPONSOR)
(Logo on event banner as well as on step and repeat at event entrance and all table centerpieces. Ten seats, full social media coverage and acknowledgement, front cover of Journal, full page journal ad, logo on photobooth backdrop, logo on table centerpieces)
(Logo on back cover of journal, 10 seats, full page journal ad, logo on step and repeat at entrance and smaller logo on main banner, logo on LifeJacket prop for photobooth and social media mentions)
RESCUE TUBE LEVEL:
(10 seats, full page journal ad, logo on rescue tube prop from photobooth, logo on step and repeat at entrance)
SWIM LESSON LEVEL:
(Table Sponsorship, 10 seats, Name on the Table, full page ad, Listing on banner of sponsors at entrance step and repeat)
FULL PAGE JOURNAL AD:
(a full page ad in our journal)
HALF PAGE JOURNAL AD:
(a half page ad in our journal)
BUSINESS CARD JOURNAL AD:
(a quarter page ad in our journal)
The ReesSpecht Life Foundation is a registered 501(c)(3) non-profit organization.
Join us on Friday, October 26th 2018 as we host our first annual “ReesSpecht the Water Gala”. Help support our mission to End Drowning Now as you enjoy a night of great food, dancing, and raffles at the Sea Star Ballroom next to the Long Island Aquarium! Tickets and sponsorship opportunities will be available soon! Check back here or on social media sites for updates. We hope to see you there!